Recently I was dragged back to a period in my life where I felt small, unworthy, judged, misunderstood and shunned. A lot of old pain, hurt and old beliefs resurfaced and I couldn’t shake them. I began to blame others, point fingers, repeat old stories, and re-live experiences that resulted in me losing people close to me.
But, while I initially thought it was about still needing to forgive others, and have them forgive me. It was in fact my need to forgive myself.
Forgive things I'd done, said, believed, carried out, put up with, left unsaid and unexpressed that were causing part of me to still be attached to the past and make up stories about the now.
I needed to let it go because I am no longer that girl and that's not my life anymore.
When I play into it and allow my Ego to drag me back, it takes control of my mood and emotions.
That’s the thing about your thoughts, once you follow them down the rabbit hole, they can take you right back to feeling a certain way, for better or for worse, and it was draining my energy.
** Side note, your body can't tell the difference between a real current experience or one you are re-living in your mind,so it reacts in the same way. This is why you can have nightmares and wake up in a sweaty , frazzled state or think about an emotional experience and have the physical reaction of being brought to tears**
It’s the difference between your thoughts controlling you or you controlling them. After a night of many tears and beating myself up - I decided it was time to face this sh*t and let it go once and for all.
So here’s what I did to finally release, clear out and let go of old baggage and harmful thought patterns so I could forgive and move on.
1. REFLECTED ON THE SITUATION LAYER BY LAYER.
I looked at the situation and asked myself - what about it made me angry, hurt or upset it? And at first it was all about 'them'.
Next - How was it making me feel or think about myself, what story was I attaching to their actions and the way it played out? 'I’m not worthy' 'they don't care' ' I’m a shitty person'. This is when things I was previously too scared to admit to myself started to surface.
Then - What part of me needs to heal? Where do I need to forgive myself and what am I holding onto that is causing me pain?
2. I WROTE IT DOWN.
I started with the intention to uncover what I needed to forgive myself for, and then let it flow out. I found myself naturally going deeper and wider with what was really going on. It gave me clarity by considering how my actions caused the reactions I received from others.
I wrote about the things I regret and the things I need to take responsibility for.
Then I took a big deep breath and wrote the words "I forgive you"
3. I MEDITATED ON FORGIVENESS.
Through a guided meditation on 'Insight Timer' I was reminded in a profound way that it wasn’t just me that was hurt. There was carnage & it was messy.
I was lead to be vulnerable in accepting the ways I hurt others, and look at the behaviour and actions of myself and them, through the lens of compassion.
I started to consider what I was going through, feeling, or thinking at the time that caused me to treat others in the way I did, and they way they did me. A holistic, compassionate, gentle view of it all.
4. I CALLED IN GUIDANCE.
I am new to the world of Priestesses but felt called to lean in. I wanted to have some more guidance and was advised to look at Quan Yin - The Goddess of love, self compassion and forgiveness. I looked her up and tapped into her energy to guide me through my intuition on what to do.
5. I WENT FOR A WALK AND MADE A DECISION.
I moved my body to release the places I was storing these emotions and made a choice to let go. Part of taking control is being intentional with your actions and choices. We get to choose what comes into our minds, bodies and Souls and what we hang on to.
I made the decision that I am now really done with it. Of course this isn't to say I am bulletproof against things creeping in but it means that I am no longer willing to give it energy or time, as it doesn't serve a purpose.
6. DID A BURN RITUAL
I burned the piece of paper I'd written everything down on. I let the words, emotions, thoughts and pain drift off into the wind. Finally surrendering and letting it go.
When we are prepared to be vulnerable, step into the dark part of ourselves and our lives, we are able to shed light and send love to the things that need it most.
We're all human and we f*ck things up sometimes, but we're often doing the best we could with where we we're at and what we have at the time so remember to cut yourself some slack and as James Bay would say... " Just let it go, just let it be" ;)
Love & Light,
P.s If you'd like some space and support to be guided to uncover what needs to be released and what you'd like to call in, join us in October at Boho Bliss: Adventure+ Wellness + Connection Getaway. We will be focusing on healing, reenergising and realigning with our best selves through a Dreams + Desires Workshop, Sacred Cacao Ceremony, movement, soul chats and more.
Check it out here: www.danielleknight.com/bohobliss
- Danielle Knight.